Saturday, October 29, 2011

Outgrowing each other...

My high school friends and I, we have outgrown each other. I left to do Form Four at Ampangan, Seremban. I was still in close contact with several of them then, since they were also my childhood friends, but for the rest of my schoolmates, we became estranged.

Thanks to Facebook, we became in contact again. But after several attempts of reunions which I tried to organise didn't happen, I became disillusioned, if that's the right word for it. I couldn't help but to think, the reunions didn't materialise because I was the one who called for and organised it.

This year they organised a big reunion at our former school and it succeeded. Good for them! But I didn't attend because my other half was not in KL that time and I was busy with something. There were many small gatherings after that.

I did try to join one or two, but I discovered we don't speak the same language anymore. Tonight I have come to a conclusion that we have outgrown each other. I didn't contribute much to the group (they have a secret group on FB) except several comments here and there, which clearly they didn't take heed (and most of the time, ignored), so I have decided to take myself out of the group.

But these group of people have helped me to understand myself better and for that I am very grateful. I hope they have learnt something from me too.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Another lost...

Yehuuuu I've lost another kg and this was done without extreme exercise, just sticking to calorie deficit everyday and having to look after a young rockstar who is truly stressed out. I really hope I can start my exercise routine on Monday. I miss the kutti kutti gym at the college.

I've got an early anniversary present (he didn't say it was, but I'd like to think otherwise) so now I can log on to MyFitnessPal, introduced by my good friend (si MG tu yang dah lost almost 30kg - jealous you!) wherever I go.

Meanwhile, Rockstar's mood is getting better as with his condition. I'm still on leave (one week straight!) and being sick makes him more clingy than usual. I know we will have a hard time to send him back to school on Monday. As it is now a mere mention of school makes him an angry boy.

I hope he misses his friends at the nursery and is eager to see them again. I hope.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Chicken Pox is here...

The whole week's schedule is disrupted since my little Rockstar has chicken pox. I'm still counting calories, eating right most of the time and under 1500 calories. I'm a bit depressed because of Rockstar's condition. He's depressed because he cannot scratch (I make sure of that) and we're both extremely depressed because we are cooped up at home.

He was weak and also cranky all day yesterday and it escalated as night came. One minute he wanted Mama another minute he wanted Ayah. When Ayah was beside him, he didn't want Ayah, he wanted to hug Mama.

Today, is a bit better, I think. He's playing and making a mess. I hope we get to go out today, even for a while.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

An acceptance..

A year ago I was diagnosed as having dysfunctional menses by the government doctor. I was having non-stop bleeding and A LOT. She did the pap smear test and scanned me and both results were OK. Nothing wrong there. During the really heavy flow, I had to change 5-6 times within one hour.You can imagine the discomfort I felt.

But then I decided to try the Islamic treatment approach and the young ustaz diagnosed me with something else, which I have long suspected. The way they do things is to treat diseases that a patient has one at a time, so the first time that I went to see them, they treated me with the first disease. In two months time, I would have to come back so they could treat this dysfunctional menses problem.

The bleeding got worse since last week, I lost so much blood, my face is pale and my mood gets worse by the day. I'm going to see the ustaz again in two weeks time, but yesterday I went to see Doctor Hasniah to get the pills to stop the bleeding. She also gave me Vitamin C pills and cautioned me to eat. Of course I didn't mention that I am on diet.

Because of this I only get to exercise twice last week, which is very very frustrating. But, I won't despair, because I have come to a stage where I'm trying to live with it. I won't stop looking for the cure but at the same time, I will learn to accept this with an open heart and mind. There's a hikmah to this, of course, I just don't know what. Only Allah knows, and I trust Him completely.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Slow but moving...

The loss is very slow this time, but a loss anyway. Alhamdulillah. My right hip hurts and that worries me. I hope it's nothing serious.

People say green apple can assist in losing weight and I'm trying it out. The problem is I don't like green apples. I don't like anything sour. I cannot eat it straight like that, so I mix the apples in my green salad. So far, it's palatable.

A colleague commented on my resolute to lose weight. Yes, I can be like this when I feel I cannot handle the weight anymore, when I cried and got extremely angry for not being able to fit in my jeans, when I hate taking pictures, when an innocent remark about how I've 'grown' put me in a foul mood for the whole week.

I figured, the only person that can change that is me and only me.

My target is, by new year, I should be able to fit into my wedding baju kurung.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Just wondering...

These past few days have been stressful. In times like this, I can't help but to wonder what plans He has for us. Will our life be much better, will we get to breathe easier? I wonder. Only He knows. And whatever He has in the planning, I hope we are strong enough to face it. Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim only You can cure my aching heart.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Back on it again

I went astray yesterday. Dinner was at McDonalds since my better half wanted to spend a little time with Rockstar and made him happy. I don't think I'll share what I have eaten, because whatever they were, I had busted my calorie intake for that day. But Rockstar was happy and his father was happy, I was happy.

I ate everything on the table but stopped at the drinks. Yeah, OK I took a sip or two and that was it. We came home and drank lots of water and ate one pear, hoping that by morning it would help me go. And before calling it a day, I downed a sachet of Total Cleanse.

This morning, I spent quite some time in the loo and the weight after is surprisingly OK. Alhamdulillah. Is it cheating? So be it. As long as I'm, not depressed, my conscience is clear. Heh.

And I'm back on track.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Plateaus - Why do they even exist?

It's Thursday now and I haven't lose any kg. This is very frustrating. After googling, I think my problem is my calorie intake per day is too low, less than the 1200 recommended. That's what happen when you are too eager to lose weight, thinking you can bypass all those professionals.

So, today I'm going to eat a full 1200 calorie meal, high on protein and low on carbs. Insya Allah. I had a hard boiled egg for breakfast and water and for lunch boiled broccoli, chicken balls and chicken kurma (drained of the kuah). I'm going to snack on cream crackers dip into a mug of Milo Fuze. For dinner I'm thinking plain tosai plus red apples. I hope this is healthy.

I've been jogging for 40 minutes on the treadmill with the speed of 6 to 7 and cycling on the stationary for 20 minutes, not to mention weight training since Monday. I really really hope this will work.

Pray for me.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I lose and I gain...

I blame the gains on the weekend. I really let myself go at the high-tea on Saturday. It started out good, I had plenty of water and when it was time to hit the buffet line, I felt full but the problem was I left my will power to resist at home.

Feeling guilty just by looking at the endless spread of glorious food, I took three pieces of tauhu sumbat and a wee bit of sauce. But on the way back to our table I saw yummy slices of strawberry cheesecake and brownies and all the wonderful pastries. What did I do? Went straight to our table and ate the tauhus.

At the table, my better half was eating a delicious looking dish which was breaded fish fillet with cream sauce, and the Little Rockstar seemed to love it so much. It looked delicious and must have tasted even more delicious! Did I mentioned I left my will power somewhere? Yes. So what happened next? Yup you've guessed it.

I went back to get the fish fillet about three pieces of them, complete with the sauce and a healthy serving of sauteed cauliflower (due to the guilt, but it didn't help much later I realised). I alternated the food with several glasses of water thinking it would help in taming my mad appetite. Did it? Of course not!

I went back to the food for the third time, to the pastries section and took a medium sized chocolate doughnut (for Rockstar), two brownies and a slice of strawberry cheese cake. Rockstar wanted the brownies and that made me feel a bit relieved but not for long because he handed me the brownies when he saw my better half with a bowl of tomato cream soup. So, not wanting to let good food to waste, I ate the brownies (one and a half) and attacked the cheesecake.

On normal days, I'm not really into cheese but this particular cheesecake was extremely delicious. I didn't want to finish the slice on my own and wanted my better half to finish it but he was busy entertaining friends at that moment. So, too bad, I had to finish it all. I managed to stop myself from eating the doughnut though.

As soon as we arrived home, I weighed myself and what's the damage? 2kg of extra fat and guilt. And as punishment, it was only water and guava for snacks and dinner.

Sunday was a total mess. I didn't go jogging (it was drizzling), lunch was rice with dhalca, ayam masak merah and kerutup daging and dinner was ok I guess with guava, wholemeal bread and crabsticks. The only consolation was I stuck to water all the way.

So there. My "sinful'' weekend. Haih.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Oh Oh It's here again

Yeah. The weekend. I'm not normal, I know. When the average people love the weekend, I am otherwise. I think many dieters dread weekends. I don't know, maybe. When at work, I can avoid eating more than the allotted calories because of the many classes I have, but at home at weekends, I'm not sure if that avoiding tactic works.

Furthermore today we are going to attend a high tea function at Cyberjaya. This is a must go, not to mention tomorrow is the wedding of one of our nephews. A must go too. What's more worrying is, today is my rest day from exercising.

I guess I will have to exercise more tomorrow, early in the morning, when most people are still asleep. What did I tell you? I'm not normal.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Jogging is the way

I have decided to limit my daily calories intake to only 1000 starting on Monday. It's Wednesday today and I have lost another 1.7kg. Alhamdulillah. So far I still can bear the food limit.

A friend had advised that I have to start jogging to lose the weight more quickly and to avoid me from giving up when I see the scale is not moving to the desired loss. I was reluctant at first because of my knees but still gave it a try on Monday. And so far today, Alhamdulillah.

I really love the feeling it gives after a 40 minute slow jog with a speed of only 5-6.5. I will definitely stick to this routine for a week or two before increasing the speed. Insya Allah.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

What horrible experience weekend was...

It's horrible I tell you. Everything was except for the two weddings, one on Saturday and the other one on Sunday, that we were invited to and the short get together with a friend from Indonesia. Well, ok, not everything, but most things.

The effects of the malfunctioned car (ohoo not just the door baby but the battery and the alternator too) made me very moody and hateful. Why hateful? That's another story which I don't want to share. So this was my overall temperament through out the weekend and it was so easy to fall into that emotional eating trap again. But one thing that I was happy about that weekend was I didn't give in to temptations.

I stayed on course most times although barely and even at the wedding of our beloved Ms Julia Shapiee, which we arrived exactly at 4pm when the caterers were cleaning up, I only had a small helping of rice. It could be because my appetite was spoilt by the Saturday traffic jam or the small chunk of chocolate I had in the car.

Having said that, I am still not happy with my overall diet plus I didn't get to exercise much. A 30 minutes freestyle dancing which I did on Saturday was not enough for someone who needs that post exercise rush to feel happy and good about herself. Sounds pathethic eh? Well pathetic I am.

On Sunday, my mood got worse by noon. One advice, if you are toilet training your three year old son, don't try dieting at all, vice versa. These emotional laden activities are meant to be done one at a time.

I had resigned to the fact that the day would not get better. But of course, I was wrong. There was the meeting with our family friend from Indonesia with her lively 5 year old daughter. Watching Rockstar and 'Kakak' played together made me felt warm all over. Despite the initial awkward first meeting between the two in the car, they hit it off as soon as we arrived at AU3.

Then there was the wedding of a rockstar guitarist of MUH at Damansara. Before that night I had always thought that PRs are lively, friendly bunch of people. But this one particular 'anggek' person proved that fact wrong. So I came to the conclusion that not all PRs are friendly, or maybe because I am not famous that I was shunned at the table, if that's the case then not all PRs are bright, intelligent beings.

My nefarious appetite wanted me to commit unthinkable sins, and after much struggle, I managed to stop myself from going crazy. It was a lovely wedding by the way, and very 'rockstar'. The handsome groom and the blushing bride entered the hall with the voice of Billy Corgan singing "Tonight, Tonight".

Before we left, I went to that PR side of the table and shook her hands and said "Till we meet again". Yes makcik, I am a bigger person than you and I'm not talking about my size at all.