Fed up - Big Time

Yes, I dread this day, and it has arrived. I'm fed up with dieting. BIG TIME. Why do I have this body in the first place? Why do I have to eat like a sick bird when everyone else is so blatant in showing their love for fatty, unhealthy yet good food? Why me? Why not everyone else? Why can't I eat makanan rapu and not feel like I should exercise 5 hours straight to rid that guilty feeling? Why can't I just love the way I am? WHYYYYY????

OK, done with the rambling. Now, let's move on. You've decided to eat healthy because of your son, the cheeky three year old boy, who is your world and your life. You want to EAT HEALTHY because you want to be healthy and feel good that you have actually tried all that you can to achieve it. You have decided that you'll eat what you want to eat but you will not go overboard. MODERATION is something that you need to hammer in your too-thick-a-skull. And those other people? They are your motivations!.

I'll stand my ground, thank you...

I'm allergic to negative people and those who expect the worst of everybody. This kind is extremely toxic and I will avoid them as much as possible but when there are one or two around me, what can I do? Stand my ground, hold fast to my beliefs and hope some of the positive vibes catch on.

But to rid of that feeling of annoyance will take extra effort.

Awwwww NOOOOOOOO

My first posting after beberapa bulan. Down but not out, not yet for I'm still fighting the bulge. My jeans is still loose and I can still fit into last year's jeans. I'm still eating healthy following the 6 meals plan. Exercise was still on up until last week. This week I don't get even one day at the gym because something happened and we are suddenly carless, which means I have to car pool which means I have to clock out at around 5pm and sacrifice my alone time at the gym.

I'm trying very hard to be positive, smiling and laughing and dismissing this major setback like it's nothing. Laughter, other than doa, solat hajat, solat tahajjud and solat dhuha, helps to ease the heaviness of the heart too. I'm lucky to have great, albeit crazy people around me. If it's better this way, then I am all for it, redha, but if it's not supposed to be this way, I pray for the solution to come soon.

Up until several months ago, I logged all my food intake in MyFitnessPal almost religiously, I even have the apps on my phone. But when the connections got too slow, I got fed-up and stopped logging in altogether. I will resume the practice starting tomorrow, Insya Allah.

So, yes, it takes a lot to destroy the human spirit. Do not fret because we have Allah.

It's Eid!

Which means lots of oily and fatty food, but who cares eh? I'm allowing myself to eat indiscrimantely this weekend and it had started on Friday. I went to Ikea for dinner and you and I know what that means. Yes, a full dinner complete with dessert and coffee.

But I'm not going to be too hard on myself this time around, because I have realised that these cheat days are very important to keep me sane. So I'm going to take it all in with an open mind and I will not weigh myself this week. It's cheat day la, so let's cheat all the way.

We are getting ready to drive to Sepang. So, see you when I see you.

Outgrowing each other...

My high school friends and I, we have outgrown each other. I left to do Form Four at Ampangan, Seremban. I was still in close contact with several of them then, since they were also my childhood friends, but for the rest of my schoolmates, we became estranged.

Thanks to Facebook, we became in contact again. But after several attempts of reunions which I tried to organise didn't happen, I became disillusioned, if that's the right word for it. I couldn't help but to think, the reunions didn't materialise because I was the one who called for and organised it.

This year they organised a big reunion at our former school and it succeeded. Good for them! But I didn't attend because my other half was not in KL that time and I was busy with something. There were many small gatherings after that.

I did try to join one or two, but I discovered we don't speak the same language anymore. Tonight I have come to a conclusion that we have outgrown each other. I didn't contribute much to the group (they have a secret group on FB) except several comments here and there, which clearly they didn't take heed (and most of the time, ignored), so I have decided to take myself out of the group.

But these group of people have helped me to understand myself better and for that I am very grateful. I hope they have learnt something from me too.

Another lost...

Yehuuuu I've lost another kg and this was done without extreme exercise, just sticking to calorie deficit everyday and having to look after a young rockstar who is truly stressed out. I really hope I can start my exercise routine on Monday. I miss the kutti kutti gym at the college.

I've got an early anniversary present (he didn't say it was, but I'd like to think otherwise) so now I can log on to MyFitnessPal, introduced by my good friend (si MG tu yang dah lost almost 30kg - jealous you!) wherever I go.

Meanwhile, Rockstar's mood is getting better as with his condition. I'm still on leave (one week straight!) and being sick makes him more clingy than usual. I know we will have a hard time to send him back to school on Monday. As it is now a mere mention of school makes him an angry boy.

I hope he misses his friends at the nursery and is eager to see them again. I hope.

Chicken Pox is here...

The whole week's schedule is disrupted since my little Rockstar has chicken pox. I'm still counting calories, eating right most of the time and under 1500 calories. I'm a bit depressed because of Rockstar's condition. He's depressed because he cannot scratch (I make sure of that) and we're both extremely depressed because we are cooped up at home.

He was weak and also cranky all day yesterday and it escalated as night came. One minute he wanted Mama another minute he wanted Ayah. When Ayah was beside him, he didn't want Ayah, he wanted to hug Mama.

Today, is a bit better, I think. He's playing and making a mess. I hope we get to go out today, even for a while.

An acceptance..

A year ago I was diagnosed as having dysfunctional menses by the government doctor. I was having non-stop bleeding and A LOT. She did the pap smear test and scanned me and both results were OK. Nothing wrong there. During the really heavy flow, I had to change 5-6 times within one hour.You can imagine the discomfort I felt.

But then I decided to try the Islamic treatment approach and the young ustaz diagnosed me with something else, which I have long suspected. The way they do things is to treat diseases that a patient has one at a time, so the first time that I went to see them, they treated me with the first disease. In two months time, I would have to come back so they could treat this dysfunctional menses problem.

The bleeding got worse since last week, I lost so much blood, my face is pale and my mood gets worse by the day. I'm going to see the ustaz again in two weeks time, but yesterday I went to see Doctor Hasniah to get the pills to stop the bleeding. She also gave me Vitamin C pills and cautioned me to eat. Of course I didn't mention that I am on diet.

Because of this I only get to exercise twice last week, which is very very frustrating. But, I won't despair, because I have come to a stage where I'm trying to live with it. I won't stop looking for the cure but at the same time, I will learn to accept this with an open heart and mind. There's a hikmah to this, of course, I just don't know what. Only Allah knows, and I trust Him completely.

Slow but moving...

The loss is very slow this time, but a loss anyway. Alhamdulillah. My right hip hurts and that worries me. I hope it's nothing serious.

People say green apple can assist in losing weight and I'm trying it out. The problem is I don't like green apples. I don't like anything sour. I cannot eat it straight like that, so I mix the apples in my green salad. So far, it's palatable.

A colleague commented on my resolute to lose weight. Yes, I can be like this when I feel I cannot handle the weight anymore, when I cried and got extremely angry for not being able to fit in my jeans, when I hate taking pictures, when an innocent remark about how I've 'grown' put me in a foul mood for the whole week.

I figured, the only person that can change that is me and only me.

My target is, by new year, I should be able to fit into my wedding baju kurung.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Just wondering...

These past few days have been stressful. In times like this, I can't help but to wonder what plans He has for us. Will our life be much better, will we get to breathe easier? I wonder. Only He knows. And whatever He has in the planning, I hope we are strong enough to face it. Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim only You can cure my aching heart.