Friendships. Betrayals. What???

In my years of building friendships, there were several times that I felt betrayed.

Yes. Betrayals.

I don't make friends easily because I am an introvert in a seemingly extroverted body. I rather be alone, spending some meaningful moments with my thoughts. That's why when I make friends, I want that friendship to last, so I have people I can count on (and I don't have to make new ones).

So when a friend betrays me, I will always feel lost. I will wonder why it has to happen. Why this person does this to me? It is easy to blame it to the other party, unfortunately, life is never that simple. When friends keep turning their backs on you, you start to wonder, maybe it's me, maybe I did something that warrants this to keep repeating.

Because of this, over the years, I learnt to look inside of me even more. I became more reflective. I became more reclusive, as far as making friends is concerned.

I don't mind not having many friends. I focus on making friends who will not turn their backs on me by spinning stories of my life and gladly share them with others.

I am still nice. I will still be generous with my smiles. But that is all one can ever get from me in the first few hundreds meetings.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Yes. But I still have to protect my heart.

Beginikah aku nanti?

Esok-esok pun akan beginikah perangaiku? Kerana aku ibu yang melahirkan dan bersusah-payah membesarkan aku boleh berkata sesuka hati kepada anakku, walaupun aku tahu itu pasti mengguris perasaannya. Kerana aku ibu yang melahirkan dan bersusah-payah membesarkan aku mempunyai hak yang nyata untuk menentukan dengan siapa dia patut bergaul, kerjaya apa yang dia patut lakukan? Kerana aku ibu yang melahirkan dan bersusah-payah membesarkan maka Allah tidak akan murka kepadaku walau apa pun yang aku katakan dan lakukan terhadap anakku? Kerana aku ibu yang melahirkan dan bersusah-payah membesarkan aku sudah semestinya dapat berlaku adil dan saksama dalam memberikan layanan yang sama rata kepada anak-anakku? Kerana aku ibu yang melahirkan dan bersusah-payah membesarkan aku boleh mengugut emosinya dengan berkata 'Kalau Mama menyusahkan, Ilham hantarlah Mama ke rumah orang-orang tua' apabila dia mula mengeluarkan hujah bagi mempertahankan dirinya yang untuk sekian kalinya disalahertikan? Beginikah aku nanti?